Who's Down with G-O-D?

This post has been a long time coming I suppose, because I think about religion in my own life and its effect on society and history in general quite a bit. When I was younger, religion kind of freaked me out. I heard a few end of the world stories and I knew that if I thought about it too much, I probably wouldn't be able to sleep at night (I was a very scared child that barely slept as it was). My parents had me baptized as a Catholic and over the years briefly introduced me to Christianity. In high school, I made some new friends who attended church and various Christian youth groups regularly, and decided to see what it was all about. I look back on those days and remember two somewhat conflicting feelings that I had sitting in basements during Young Life meetings: a feeling of encouragement from kind people; and a kind of awe and disbelief at how much these kids claimed to know God. Some of them were only 14. How did these young kids who barely knew who they were yet claim to have the answers to eternal life and a close relationship with God? I wasn't sure if they actually liked me or if I was just another convert to check off their list of heathen friends. In college, there were a number of people on the track team who were practicising Christians, and I was amazed at how it seemed to pervade every aspect of their lives. I went to church fairly often and even made it to FCA (Federation of Christian Athletes) when I could. I was a happy little believer that thought about religion for one hour on Tuesday and two hours on Sunday.

Then I left the bubble that is Bucknell and came to NYC. It wasn't only my location that changed my opinions, but a growing awareness of the role of religion in American society. Within the past few years, we have had a President who openly states and relies upon his religious beliefs in decision-making, a very vocal Christian Right, and many national debates (homosexual rights, abortion, evolution, etc.) where the Bible and religion are viewed by some as valid arguing points. Every single time I hear a Christian passing judgement on someone else it makes me ashamed. I don't want to be associated with those obtuse, self-righteous people. If a religious individual has chosen a certain path for themself in life, what gives them the right to force that path on the rest of society?

I go to Church once in a great while now, read the Bible here and there when I'm interested in a certain topic or story and only pray when I'm extremely needy or grateful. I have become what many of my faith would deem a bad Christian. I have friends at all parts of the religious spectrum, most of whom are very patient with me and willing to answer my questions and explain their beliefs. The more I think about it though, the more confused and upset I get. I believe Jesus lived, I believe he was the son of God, and I believe that we are saved through his sacrifice. Past that, I can't say too much more. According to some, that's just not enough. I should be devoting more time to God and trying to follow Jesus's way. It will never sit right with me however, that homosexuality is wrong, that the Earth was created any less than 4.6 billion years ago, and that society has a right to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her own body, among other things.

So what do I do? It would appear as though I have three options: 1) Accept the fact that I don't agree with all of the facets of modern Christianity and am an unsalvagable sinner; 2) Accept Christianity and the exclusivity that it entails with open arms and completely turn against what I feel to be correct in the context of our current society; or 3) Stop thinking that these two halves of me don't agree, live life in whatever manner feels the most right and true to me, and deal with the consequences when I die. My opinions on religion change so often that to tell you the truth, I have no idea what I'm going to feel or do in the future. Right now however, these contradictions weigh heavy on my mind.